Coffee Date | 2 February 2019

This is something I wrote more as a journal entry a few days ago. But since I’m feeling better, I thought I’d share. Because it houses lessons I think are valuable.

Until now, I haven’t had much need to post a variety of update posts. Aside from updates on products or hauls, not a whole lot goes on in my day to day. Until it did.

I didn’t know how I’d want to go about update posts, but I remembered reading a blogger set it up as a coffee date–like we’re just pals hanging out at the coffee house. And I liked that ideas. I wish I could remember who it was to give credit where credit is due.

My coffee order: the largest size of whatever has the most caffeine

I won’t lie. The past few days haven’t been easy. While winding down for bedtime Wednesday night, I received a phone call I never thought I’d have to answer. I’m not ready to delve too deeply in yet, but a family member was rushed to the hospital. And it wasn’t good. And it’s still not good. But it could be worse.

It could be worse. And it has only improved since then. But it still has left me scared and sad and distracted and conflicted.

Scared because there are still unknowns. Scared because you always feel sympathetic when someone has a relative in the hospital after a debilitating incident, but you don’t really know what the reality is until you see it first hand. Though I hope you don’t have to.

Sad because it’s hard seeing them in this position–stunted, in need of help, full of contempt because they need help. Sad because I don’t know how to handle this myself, let alone keep my siblings safe and OK. Sad because they aren’t, none of us are.

Conflicted because good news makes me happy, but the reality is still grim. Conflicted because I want to distract myself from things out of my control, to focus on something else while I accept the positives but feel guilty for laughing and enjoying myself and not being sad in that moment. Conflicted because I know they wouldn’t want me to be this way, but I am.

Distracted because my thoughts always wander back to this.

For the past few months, I’ve been retreating.

I’ve ignored texts from friends. I put off reading emails for days, longer to respond. I’ve slept and mindlessly scrolled and watched TV without being aware of what was happening.

I’ve questioned the point, the purpose. “Make doctor appointment” has been on my to-do list for 3 weeks. And then this.

But instead of pulling back further, it opened my eyes.

Monday: an appointment will be made.

I want to hug everyone a little tighter. I want to check in a little more, say I love you a little more, make the phone call more often. I want to make time for quality time with the people I love–not let work distract me, not let mundane tasks that can wait distract me, not make excuses.

I want to refrain from letting small things upset me, stop being so frustrated over things I have no control over, things that don’t actually matter. I want to answer the phone and respond to the text.

And it has strengthened my belief that “I love you” isn’t always said with words.

It’s said with smiles and hand squeezes. It’s said with nagging and asking questions. It’s said with cups of coffee and taking dishes to the sink. It’s said with a “yes” without an attitude, a favor that doesn’t require repayment, help with no questions asked. And sometimes it’s said with nothing at all except being in the room together. It’s just there. And you all know it.

And I know it. And you know it.