Does anyone remember being 14 and reading articles from Cosmo Girl about relationship ” rules ” and holding to them like gospel? Because I do. Or maybe your mom, big sister, or BFF would spout off rules to you. “Don’t kiss on the first date.” “Don’t be too needy or nag.” “Don’t call him first.” “Definitely play hard to get.”
Most of us were programmed at a young age to approach dating with a set of rules you had to adhere to…or ELSE! We even saw it reinforced in most of our favorite rom-coms, especially How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. We watched Andie be the cool girl who played it chill and hung around like one of the boys without nagging or being too needy. (I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can’t stand to be around my BF and his BFFs.) And that’s very confusing to an impressionable teenager, because if Kate Hudson does it, I should do it.
But the reality is those rules were basically conditioning us to use trickery to create the image we were the one. It’s 2018. We aren’t teenagers, and we shouldn’t have to trick anyone into anything. Dating should be fun and about finding what you want, period. Forget the rules (like we’ve all done with Monopoly), and you do you. Here are 7 relationship rules I’ve said goodbye to, and so should you.
*Let me preface by saying I’m not dating and I’m in a serious relationship so some of these don’t necessarily happen to me often. But feelings remain the same nonetheless.
1. Don’t kiss on the first date / The 3rd Date Rule
I’m lumping both of these into one category, because my thoughts are basically the same.
I know the purpose of dating, especially in the beginning, is to get to know a person to see if they’re worth pushing for a second date. But we have to stop pretending that having a physical chemistry isn’t also important. In my opinion, that physical connection is what separates my date from another dinner with my best friend.
I’ve had first dates where kissing was involved, and I’ve first dates where there wasn’t. Neither was better decision than the other. Rules shouldn’t dictate your comfort level. If you’re not comfortable enough to kiss on the first date, don’t. If you aren’t comfortable enough to have sex by the third, also don’t. But if you are… (;
2. Men should always foot the bill.
So, I’ll admit, in my relationship, the man generally picks up the tab. But every relationship is different. And I tip like 75% of the time.
I definitely get why ladies like this rule, but I do think it’s one we should be open to changing. Traditionally men paid because women didn’t work; therefore, they couldn’t pay. It was a power and dominance thing. That’s not the case now. Now we’re independent, driven, working women. We’re demanding equality, and you’ve got to give a little to get a little. Your man gets dinner, you get the movie tickets. Your man gets the apps, you get the drinks. See where I’m going with this?
3. Play hard to get.
Repeat after me: Ain’t no one got time for that. Moving on.
4. Never talk about your past relationships.
I understand not wanting to talk heavily about an ex on a first date, but people tend to have the thought you should just pretend your past doesn’t exist once you’re with someone new. Your past relationships, good or bad, helped shape you into what you are now. And I think that’s definitely something to talk about with your partner.
5. A relationship should have a timeline.
If you go into a relationship with a planned timeline, I think you’re already doomed. Every relationship is going to ebb and flow a little differently. Some couples are together for 6 months and then they’re engaged. Others are together 4 years and don’t even live together. As long as your wants from the relationship are consistent with your partner’s, I don’t think you have to stress over meeting the parents by September, engagement brunch by May, and wedding by June.
6. You have to spend all of your time together.
Another weird thing people just kind of have ingrained into their minds is that couples have to spend all of their time together. Isaac, I love you, but sometimes I need to be in a different room than you.
It’s important to have friends and interests and hobbies outside of your SO. I love spending time with my boyfriend, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I want to be with the girls or alone.
7. You have to always feel passion.
I think passion is important in a romantic relationship. Like I said before, I think it’s the difference between my boyfriends and my best friends. However, I don’t think you’re on the downward spiral if you turn him down for sex every now and again. Sometimes you’re really not in the mood for passion–you had a stressful day at work, you’re not feeling well, you just don’t feel like it.
I also think a lot of people confuse sex/passion with love, but there are all sorts of things that make me feel loved–none of which even involve me being touched. Bringing me a cup of coffee in the morning, helping with the dishes without me asking, or bringing me flowers every now and again goes a long way.
This is a list of traditional relationship ” rules ” I’ve heard over the years, and have noticed they aren’t rules I’ve chosen to adopt. Every relationship is different, and no approach is better than another. It’s personal. So have fun, and happy dating.
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