Staring at my To-Do list, I read, “Write something.” And below it, “Finish it.” As someone who claims to be a writer, that should be a task as easy as breathing, not one I have to tick off a list like a chore. So why has it been so damn hard for me to finish a poem, a blog, a text, an email, etc. lately? What is it that is killing my creativity, my motivation, my chance at success? And I think I’ve nailed it down to more than comparison. I think it’s perfectionism that’s ruining my creativity and success.
I’ve got big ideas. I’ve got a lot to say, and I want to say it. But I hit a wall, and it’s tall, and make the decision to say nothing instead. I worked so hard until approaching the wall, and I don’t want it to be in vain. No, I don’t start over. I don’t walk back. I just kind of stay in this lull, this limbo between start and finish. Somewhere between the excitement to start and the gratification of being finished is a dull ache, a constant tug. And I close my eyes, because if I can’t see it, it can’t see me. But it doesn’t work that way for monsters, and it doesn’t work that way for this.
On Poetry –
Recently, I was speaking with a friend about my poetry. I was telling her what my internal struggle was when trying to create my art.
You know the poems they teach us in school? Curriculum cherry picks the best of the best of an author’s work, and that’s what they teach us. But if you flip through pages of complete collections, there are so many more pieces than those we are taught in the classroom.
I read them. And there are some I don’t even like. Some that are boring, unmemorable, filler.
I’ve recently written a few “teachable” poems. Beautifully crafted pieces with notable references, symbolism, rhyme schemes, imagery.
And that is the problem. That’s what is holding me back from creating. My tongue is in knots, because I’m struggling to craft my next “teachable” poem.
I write. But I hit a wall. On the other side of that wall is the “teachable” poem. But the wall is too tall for me to get there. So the draft is left scrawled on notebook paper and sits there, staring at back at me, reminding me it’s not yet “teachable.” It’s not yet perfect.
On Content Creation & Comparison –
The hang up isn’t only applicable to my poetry. It’s also the reason I haven’t been consistent in blogging and social media creation.
I have long, running lists of content ideas I want to create. But I don’t. They continue to sit in their spreadsheet cells collecting digital dust while I watch other creators take the same ideas and put them into the world. Now am I too late? Why am I not putting the pen to paper, so to speak, and writing the blogs, taking the photos, etc.?
Is it because I don’t think they’ll do well? No, I don’t particularly care about that when it comes to creating. Are the goals too lofty? Perhaps. But the reality is, I do start to work on them. But they are never perfect. They’re never ready to post.
Sometimes I look at other creators and wonder, “How are they getting this much engagement? What is it about them that’s gaining these followers and sponsored opportunities?” I think, “Why not me?”
I think, “I can make that content. I can make it, and probably better.”
And that may be true in some circumstances. But the real answer to the destructive question of, “Why not me?”
Because they are actually posting their work. I’m not.
Quality doesn’t really matter if I never finish and never release it into the ether.
I keep my content close until it’s perfect. But the thing is – it’s never perfect. I will always find an improvement to make if I sit with it long enough. And in that time, it collects dust among the other unfinished projects.
The magic part is creation.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is the changing of habits. But I was staring at a To-Do list that read “Write something.” Now I get to cross it off, because I wrote this and finished it.
I’ll find pieces to change, but that’s what editing is for!
Whether it’s poems or blog content, a great outcome is one hopeful ending to the process. But the magic part is the creation.
The only devil on my back weighing me down with the pressure of perfection is myself. The devils aren’t even perfect, but they’re dancing.
If you have come to the end, and have read my rambling, know that I love you. These are just a few ramblings about perfectionism and how perfectionism is getting in my way of creating and of succeeding.
Here is to creating and remembering perfection doesn’t exist. And if it does, it will never exist if we don’t first create.
xx,
Jacqie
You may also be interested in these posts:
Let's Chat!